Maurycy

2 weeks ago I lost my friend.

His name was Maurycy, he was 8 years old, was my little baby and biggest love of my life. He was my beautiful, smart rabbit and he lost his fight against cancer.

I remember first time I saw him. It was 3rd of September 2005. I wanted a white rabbit, but when we were in the pet shop, I saw him, a little gray and beige thing and I said 'Mom, he's the one'. He was so small I could keep him in one hand. At the beginning he was scared of everything and trusted only me. He was one year old when I went on holidays and left him under the care of my mom. He didn't want to eat and drink for 4-5 days. He was really sad and when I came back he got really crazy from happiness.

It wasn't always good between us. When he was 3 I didn't care about him that much. I mean, I gave him food, I cleaned his cage, but I know I didn't give him enough love. It lasted for some time and when I finally started to play with him again and took him on my hands, he peed on me. Well, he had a temper. And also, I deserved that.

That was also the moment when 'my rabbit' became 'our, family's, rabbit'. Everyone felt responsible for him, everyone cared. Maurycy wasn't so scared anymore, but still, he fully trusted only me.

After few years of being really energetic, in age of 4 he became calm, didn't want to jump around the room or play with us. But then, about 2 years ago he changed again. And there was the most beautiful time in our relationship. That was the moment when we all stopped treating him as an animal. He was the sixth member of our family. He followed us around the room, ate food from our hands, always wanted to play with us. And suddenly something happened. He got ill. His doctor after the examination said that unfortunately it's cancer. We visited vet few times a week. Everytime we got on the car, he was shaking and I had to keep him on my chest because only the beating of my heart could calm him down a bit. We had to give him injections 2-3 times a day. He didn't want to eat. He became scared of us because we gave him pain with injections and forcing him to eat. It's probably the worst, that you can't explain your little animal that all you do is not to hurt him, but because you love him and want to help. Last 2 weeks of June I spent mostly with him. I cancelled almost all meetings I planned because I wanted to be close to him, to show him I'm there for him. Spent long hours, with tears in my eyes, trying to convince him to eat lettuce or drink water. And finally he was getting better. He started to eat a little bit, he strated to go out of his cage and jump around the room. He even started to be calm when we gave him injections. I thought everything will be fine...

On 2nd July I was going to Gdynia, to Open'er Festival. I said goodbye to Maurycy, hugged him and told him to be a brave little rabbit. I left him with my parents, sure that everything will be fine. I called my mom everyday, asking how he's feeling and looked like he's feeling better and better every day. But on 7th, he died on my dad's hands.

I can't forgive myself that I left my little baby. I'm scared that he felt abandoned by me. On one hand I know I did everything that was possible to help him, that we gave him so much love and that, when I left, my parents cared about him. But on the other I feel guilty that I wasn't with him till the end.

Maurycy taught me what it is to be responsible for someone. I felt so much love everytime I kept him in my hands. It's so weird to know that I will never see his eyes, never touch his fur, that he will never jump on the carpet. I have this thoughts, for a little moment, that maybe he will be there, but when I look around the room, I can't see him. His empty cage is standing in the garden and I have tears in my eyes when I see his bottle, still with water inside. I know I should do something with it, but can't. When my little sister saw me crying, she said she can buy me a new rabbit to make me feel better. But I don't want any other animal. It's impossible to replace a friend. He was the only one, he was special and I miss him so much. But I'm grateful, that I had a chance to have him for such a long time. My little sweet thing I will never forget.  

When you want to give up...

I am a perfectionist. And a terribly lazy person. These two things don't go well together. To be honest, this is one of the worst combinations I can imagine. Always cause me many problems, stop me from doing many things I want, because instead of trying hard to be better in something, I think: 'I'm not good enough'. I'm also impatient. I would like everything to be perfect at once. When it's not - I get angry and I just give up. I'm trying to fight with this, but it's not easy. It's like I have a little person inside, telling me: 'Don't do this. You're rubbish, everyone will laugh at you' etc.

Recently I had two conversations about it. First one, with my good friend Łukasz, was about creating music. He is a producer, in my opinion a very good one, and I – well, I am singing and I know I do it quite well. So we make some plans about doing tracks together and also about creating our own music. Few weeks ago I came back to playing piano, after 10 year long break. For the first time I thought: 'maybe I will try to write a song?'. But it didn't take long and I thought: 'This is bad. I will never do anything good.'. I told Łukasz about it and he told me: 'You should change your attitude to making music. To doing anything. Don't think about how you want it to look like in the end. Think about music you love, artists who inspire you. First – try to do something similar to songs that you like. Then try to change it for something that is your own. Look for inspirations in music, books, stories, films... Don't think it has to be perfect. It doesn't. Don't be so serious about it. Have fun. Try to create many small elements, parts and then maybe you'll find a way to connect them? You have to practise and you'll see you're getting better and better'

The second conversation was one I had with my singing teacher, Karolina. We talked about me being shy and scared of taking risk. She told me: 'Take your time. Sometimes we have to wait to be ready for something. It's nothing wrong with that. The worst thing is to push yourself to do something you're not sure about. But one day you'll wake up and think – yes. Today I will do this, today I am ready, I believe I can do this. You won't be nervous or scared about it. But never give up just because your first step wasn't exactly what you were expecting.'

I'm glad I heard these things. It's always good to hear something like this, from people who are important to you, when you're doubtful about your dreams and plans.

Mary Anne Hobbs

This post won't be exactly about conversation, but about the person who is a huge inspiration for me.

Mary Anne Hobbs

Let's start from the beginning. It was August 2011, I was at the very beginning of discovering the world of electronic music and decided to go to festival called Tauron Nowa Muzyka. Thanks to twitter I met Boiler Room guys – Thristian and Charles, who were filming one of the scenes, and when they heard I'm on my own they invited me backstage (I am so grateful for that, it was amazing day thanks to them!). I had a chance to meet artists I went to festival for and also – Mary Anne. That day all I knew about her was that she used to have show on BBC Radio 1, she is well known DJ and music journalist and that she's important person for many musicians and producer, because she discovered their talent, gave them first radio play etc. When she appeared backstage I thought – she looks like the nicest person in the world. I was surprised when she came to Thristian to say hello, and when he introduced me, we talked for a little moment. I was just a random girl she saw for the first time in her life, but I felt like she really cared about what I was saying. Also the way all artists were looking at her – with huge respect and friendliness, made me think: 'I want to listen to her show!'

I started to listen Mary Anne's XFM show then, became a regular listener and often got a shout on the show. I found out that my first impression was right – Mary Anne is a great, passionate person who really cares not only about artists she likes, but also about her listeners. I love that she remembers that I'm from Poland, I love James Blake or that I had exams so she asked few weeks later how they went. There are not so many radio DJs/presenters, who really have this friendly, kinda personal relations with their listeners.

As a fan I decided I want to read more about Mary Anne's past, some articles and interviews. Then I found on Joe Muggs an interview, where I read about her childhood and the beginning of being music journalist. It still makes me impressed, I admire her for fighting for her dreams, even though it wasn't easy for her. I think that was the moment, when she became someone like a hero for me. She achieved what she wanted, do what she loves and also is a really great person.

My dad says: it doesn't matter if they like you, more important is if they respect you. But I think I prefer Mary Anne's way – to be respected and also be liked.  

February 2011

Today I want to write about my mum. She always supports me, I can count on her and I am really grateful that she lets me make my own mistakes, but also she's always there for me. There were many important things that she said to me, but one I remember well and that is a great example of many other conversations we had, is one that happened at the beginning of 2011.

I was going to London on my winter holidays. It was my fifth trip there, but first on my own. I was staying at friend's place, but knew that most of the time I would spend alone. I was surprised that my parents weren't really against that trip (except the 'why can't you go somewhere else. It's always London, aren't you bored?' talks). You can say it's nothing weird because I was 20 then, but I know many parents who don't allow their children, even that big, to travel alone.

When I came back I asked my mum: 'Why weren't you afraid of me? I was alone, in a big city, far away from here. I thought you would text or call me like 100 times a day. And nothing like this happened...'

Then my mum said: 'You know. I was so scared. Before you went to London I couldn't sleep at night, thinking if it's a good idea. But I didn't want to make you nervous about it. I decided I save those fears for myself because you're not a little girl anymore. And you'll be fine. I can't treat you like a child. I was scared, but knew you would be ok. If something was wrong, believe me, I would buy a ticket and fly to London as soon as possible, but after your messages on the first day I knew it was a good idea to support you and let you go on this trip.

My mum is the coolest mum in the world. Of course, sometimes I'm angry at her. But on the other hand I can't imagine her being more supporting and caring than she is right now.

June 2012

I was finishing my final year of Bachelor's degree in East European Studies (that I didn't like). I had no idea what to do next. Master? Work? Travel? I felt really lost and was full of doubts. After one of the exams I had a chance to talk for 15-20 minutes with, probably, my favourite lecturer I met at uni (the subject was also really interesting – The Beatles and The Sixties). I remember this conversation well.

- So what's next Zuzanna. What are your plans?

- I really don't know. There is this new course at uni, master in criminology. I think I wanna study it.

- But do you know what to do with your life? What about work? What can you do after this course?

- I...I don't know. I wish I was this kind of person who had a dream job and do everything to get it. I wish I knew who I wanna be. I would be much happier knowing that.

- You know, I'm not so sure. Let me tell you my story. Since I remember I loved French and wanted to teach it. So I knew what I wanted to study, what exams I had to pass. And now I'm here, doing what I thought I wanted... but am I happy? Was it a good choice? I don't know. I still love what I'm doing. But maybe it would be better to study something connected with EU and international relations and work in Brussels like many of my friends? And do what I love as a hobby? I don't know. But what I want to tell you is that if I had a chance I would probably choose other way. Or at least try something else and then decide. You don't know what to do – it's ok. Try many different things. Experience as much as you can. And finally you'll find your place, ideas what you wanna do. Good luck. You'll be fine. Just don't give up and believe in yourself.

To be honest, this conversation was a big surprise to me. Yes, few students and I were sometimes staying longer to talk with him after lectures, but I didn't expect so personal speech from him. I was a bit shocked but also happy because, as I said earlier, I really liked him. What he said calmed me down. Thanks to him I realised that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm twenty something and have a lot of time to find out what to do. Who I wanna be. I can try many different things. I can change plans, ideas, directions. And I can make mistakes too. I left the room with a big smile on my face. And I try to remember his words everytime I start to panic about my future. 

First note

Few weeks ago I watched TEDxStormont. Especially one of the speeches couldn't get out of my head. John-Paul Flintoff – Conversations That Change Life. I still can't stop thinking about it and not agree with his point. In our life we have loads of conversations with many different people. Some of them are special, close to us, some are strangers we probably won't meet ever again. Even the smallest talks can change our point of view, the way we see the world. Some of them are significant the moment they happen, some will become important months or even years later.

I started to think about my life-changing conversations. There were many I remember, that helped me understand world, my emotions, life... I think that we change everyday a little bit. And every conversation can make a difference.

Last night I listened to James Blake new album, 'Overgrown', playback on XFM. The whole idea is that he talked with the DJ, John Kennedy, about every single track. It was interesting not only because of the music, but also because James was talking about the whole process of creating and who/what inspired him. During his work on the album he also had some conversations that gave him new ideas, helped him, when he didn't know if what he's doing was right.

So. This crazy idea popped up in my mind – why not write a blog about conversations that are important to me? Conversations that help me understand world, that inspire me, that make me believe that life is colourful when I see all in black. I want to write about talks I had with my family and friends, random strangers and if I will be lucky enough, with people who I admire.

Sometimes it will be just one sentence, sometimes maybe a whole conversation. We will see how it works... Maybe this place will become something special not only for me, but for somebody else?

So far, thanks John-Paul Flintoff, John Kennedy and James Blake, because without you I would never decide to start this little blog.

Love,

Z.